It’s interesting looking back at what we used to be like. For me, I can look back and see how my personality was a direct reflection of where I was emotionally. For example, when I was in school I was loud and obnoxious but when I look back to that time period, I felt unheard and unseen and was trying to be noticed. I also wore a lot of yellow in hopes that people would see me – and my nickname became Mellow Yellowz. Then when I was married to an abusive and unfaithful man I became mute. I had nothing left inside of me and was just the shell of a person. I was constantly made to feel like I wasn’t enough and so I just stayed quiet, and tried not to bother anyone.
Through the journey of healing I’ve discovered who my authentic self is and my personality now is a reflection of my emotional health. I no longer need to strive for the approval of others, I no longer need to try to be heard or seen. If you see me or hear me, well you see me or hear me and if you don’t then it makes no difference in my day to day life. I have learned that I am enough and that being happy is really what I desire. Being happy is no longer is dependent on everyone’s opinions of me or people pleasing.
I’ve taken the time to figure out the things I enjoy in life, and I do them. With that said, there is still a side of me that can be super cheeky. I love to laugh and make people laugh, but I also like to make people think and be reflective. I used to have to apologize for being one way or the other but here’s the thing – I get to just be me. So whether I decide to be reserved today and cheeky tomorrow – it’s really all ok, as long as I’m being true to me.
Something I’ve noticed too in this journey is how my physical health is directly related to my emotional health. This year my focus has been on getting my back into a better place and less pain. However, it’s meant that I’ve gained a little bit of weight. In the past, this would have sent me into a tail spin, I would have cried a lot and been super down. But, the good news is that now that I know my value and worth is not related to my size, the number on the scale or any of that, I’m totally good and now my focus is on being active and eating healthy because of how I feel when I am. I can tend to be very all or nothing and that can be a downfall at times so I’m really learning what balance is all about through this journey.
That is my goal in life, pretty much in all areas, being balanced, healthy, authentic and being true to me. And hey, if that means I’m a little cheeky today, well then so be it. When I was at the beach in this Cheeky Bikini I felt amazing! When I saw the photos I actually saw my body in a whole new light and saw it for its beauty and hey – not gonna lie – my time in the gym is paying off when it comes to my booty and so for that – I am proud. To be honest – when I tried this bikini bottom on for the first time I felt sexy AF in it! I actually was so surprised – I was a little nervous about it. The fit is amazing, the cut is perfect and you better believe I will be dawning this bad boy lots this summer. I paired it with one of my fav bikini tops from Swimsuits for All by Gabi Fresh. Be sure to check out The Cheeky Bikini. They are Canadian made, mid-rise bikini bottoms designed to flatter the curves of a woman. They are body positive too which makes it even better!
Bottoms: The Cheeky Bikini (I’m wearing the xl but could have sized down)
Photos by Robert Skuja
All photos © 2016 Robert Skuja Photography