But I didn’t just come this far for the sake of it. I know there is a greater purpose to it…and that is to provide hope. Hope that there is something more, hope that it is going to be OK, hope that life will not always feel so dark.
Three years ago today, my ex-husband walked out of our home, just a week before our 2nd wedding anniversary. I remember that day so vividly. My world was rocked. I knew that I couldn’t handle being treated the way I was for one more day and I asked him if he wanted to work on things and make some changes. He wasn’t sure and so he left and he never came back home.
It was a very, very painful few months. For 10 months he played games of – I want to be with you, I don’t want to be with you. He basically would call when he wanted something and would shatter my heart every single time he came and went. During that time I also lost my job due to bankruptcy of the company I worked for - just 2 months after he left. In my mind, everything I knew was stripped of me – everything I had placed too high in my list of priorities. I had 2 choices, stay in my misery or do something about it. So, I did the only thing I knew what to do – I took it to God. I spent the next several months reading, praying, in the word and letting the Lord speak to my heart and heal me. I actually prayed for reconciliation of our marriage because I believed in marriage and I’m glad I did because today I can say that I did everything I possibly could to save our marriage. But, God had other plans.
No, I don’t think God likes divorce but in my situation, I had been cheated on several times and abused in a variety of ways and I know God wanted more for me. I had also put my husband before God in terms of priorities so things were changing. God was now my number one, the way it was intended to be. There was not one person in my life who was supportive of me marrying my ex-husband. Actually, every single person who attended my wedding asked – ‘Sarah, are you sure this is the man you want to spend the rest of your life with?’ I was so desperate for love and this kind of looked like love but our relationship was very unhealthy from the start.
10 months after his games, I realized I deserved better love and actually what he was giving me didn’t resemble love at all! So, I told him to figure himself out and call me when he had it figured out. A week later, I found him with someone else. Even just writing this I feel like I’ve been kicked in the stomach. But, it was at that point I really knew I deserved better. Just a week before he was telling me, he didn’t want anyone else and that he wasn’t out looking for relationships, meanwhile, he was in relationship with someone else.
In that time since, God has restored things in my life that I never imagined possible! But it took work, work to face the ugly stuff, examining my heart and giving HIM everything! This past year has been a complete whirlwind and dreams have been realized that I would have never thought possible, but things were not always this great. That is why I’m sharing this part of my story with you today.
Three years ago I thought my life was over, I thought I’d be broken for the rest of my life. But, today, I am free, I am healed, I am restored, I am loved and I’m stronger than I ever thought I was. I don’t know where you are at today in your journey but know that it’s not over. Know that there is hope, there is light at the end of the tunnel and that things will turn around. It may take some work to get there but it is worth every single tear, step, hard conversation and digging into the dark places in your heart.
I was given a gift just 4 days before my 31st birthday a few weeks ago…I have feared the day of running into my ex-husband. We live in the same area and I have just prayed and hoped I would never run into him. Well, it happened. I saw him while I was out for lunch a couple weeks ago. I literally was shaking for the first 15 minutes just in shock and fear. I kept on my business and ate lunch and as he went to leave he saw me and came to my table and asked if he could sit….
To my surprise I said yes. Over the next hour I watched him realize what he had lost. We caught up and talked about our lives and what’s happened in the last couple years. I realized that he hasn’t changed much but I have changed completely. I’m actually the new improved version of the woman he first met and fell in love with. When I say he stripped me of all of me, I really mean it. I had no voice, I didn’t speak, I didn’t go out, I was no longer the person my friends and family had known all their life.
There is a verse in the bible (Joel 2:25) that someone had shared with me about a year ago about God repaying you all the years the locusts have eaten. Well, this day I realized that God had done that in my life. I am living out my dreams with more on the way, I have found myself all over again and I’ve been rebuilt from the ground up. The fact that I own my own home is a miracle in itself to be honest and the only reason it’s happened is because God is faithful.
This encounter with my ex was the perfect way to end my 30th year. I have come full circle and it was such a moment of closure. The day before I saw him I actually had seen this quote “You can’t carry your ashes into a new season. Let them go!” Given that I’ve watched God bring Isaiah 61:3 to life this year, I couldn’t be more grateful. Isaiah 61: 3 says, “I will bestow a crown of beauty instead of ashes”. It like legit happened this year. So I’ve walked into my 31st year without my ashes. I am now just the beautiful woman of God that God has rebuilt.
The day I feared the most…actually wasn’t so scary and as Proverbs 31:25 says ” …she laughs without fear of the future” I actually had proverbs 31:25 tattooed on my arm last year as a reminder of who I am. “She is clothed in strength and dignity and she laughs at the future without fear” My ex used to tell me that I would never be a woman described in Proverbs 31 but that was my heart’s greatest desire. I remember even the day I launched my new website and blog, I was so afraid of him seeing it but I’m not fearful anymore. This is my story and I wasn’t left shattered.
My past is just my past. It does not define me. I never thought I would say this but….I am grateful for all that has happened along my journey – the good, bad and the damn right ugly. If it wasn’t for it ALL, I wouldn’t be who I am or where I am at. I used to think people were crazy when they would say this but now I understand the emotions and the feeling behind it all and am on the same page.
Sometimes we look at people’s lives and see that things are going great, but you have no idea what someone has had to endure or what dark places they’ve had to walk through to get where they are. This is just a glimpse of what I’ve had to walk through but the best part is…I’ve come out on the other side but not just for the sake of it. I’ve come through to encourage someone else that it will be OK and that there really is hope.
It is very important to know who you are, how valuable you are and how worth you are of all that life has to offer you. I didn’t know this before and because I know really get it, my life is forever changed. Because I didn’t know this, I made some very poor choices along my journey that have caused a lot of pain. When you operate out of a whole heart, you make better choices because you know your worth. My hope for you is that you really see how beautiful, valuable and worthy you are, that you have a purpose here on earth. A friend said to me yesterday…if you wake up in the morning and have breath, you still have purpose. That’s like a WHOA statement! No one else can be you, you are like a snowflake or a fingerprint. You are unique and no one else can be who you are.
My dream of getting into plus size modeling came true this year, but sharing my story of restoration and hope is of far greater value. Getting your hair and make up done and being dressed in beautiful clothes is so fun and being a girly girl I’m so grateful of all the opportunities I’ve been given and all those who have played a role in this dream. The truth of the matter is that beauty fades but a woman who fears the Lord is my life’s mission and story.
Instead of mourning that this was the day my husband walked out of my life, I will rejoice that I am free, healed and strong.
As I walk into 2015, I walk with my head held high knowing that I have purpose, I am loved, and I am restored. I have no idea what is next or what God’s got in store but I can tell you this….This is only just the beginning….
Stay Beautiful,
AWESOME!!!!!! A super great read!! Thanks for your honesty and transparency!!! Go girl Go!!!!!! 🙂
Sarah, your story is a thing of Beauty! I am inspired by your honesty and transparency. Continue to share your story as it will Bless someone in ways you can’t imagine
Good job. you are a real inspiration
This was a woah moment for me! I appreciate your reality and the truth that God allowed you to share. A journey of healing and a foundation of restoration. Thank God for your testimony!
It’s truly a blessing to have read this. It’s always encouraging to see a victory over heart ache and most importantly your desire and love of God. My heart goes out to so many who don’t know Him and him awesomeness. Being the leader that you are I know God is using your blog to increase his flock. Love you sister in Christ. I will definitely continue reading.
Thanks for the encouragement Virtuous Divine Woman!
All the glory to HIM who is worth to be praised! I’m beyond grateful for all the healing he’s brought to my heart and I can’t keep quiet at what hes done in my life! This is not a secret to keep!
Sarah xo
Hi Sarah, thanks so much for sharing this. It’s incredibly encouraging to read. I’ve also been through dark, dark days in a relationship, and am just starting to heal.
I’m so glad I could be of an encouragement. Keep pressing in and remember that it’s one step at a time and joy comes in the morning. There are brighter days ahead!
Sarah xo
I don’t even know where to start. Your story, testimony I believe was just for me, like I am living in your shoes. I am broken, shattered and cannot see my way through my pain. I feel like my prayers are not bring heard and in spite of all the pain he has caused, all I want is for him to come back. I was not married to him but I have shared a life with him for 10 years and birthed him a beautiful son who will celebrate his 5th birthday tomorrow and he walked out on me 4 days ago. To say I am devastated would truly be putting it mildly. I can’t stop crying I can’t east and can only sleep with the aid of sleeping pills. Your story gives me hope that I can come out of this but this hurt has me feeling it’s impossible.
I’m so glad my story has provided hope. I know all to well the feelings you are feeling and I thought that it would never go away. You will come out of this and you will look back one day and realize how strong you are. During this time period it’s important to not be too hard on yourself but realize that you need to take one day at a time and sometimes its just one hour at a time.
I don’t know the details to your situation but I do know that you are worthy of love and that you deserve the very best. The next little while may be difficult but know that you have purpose – and you have a little boy who adores his mommy and a healthy mommy is important. As you rebuild your life just remember that there is a light at the end of the tunnel and it will get easier.
Keep your head up hun – your best is yet to come!
Sarah xo