Big and Desirable?

Truth be told… since my divorce almost 5 years ago, I’ve pretty much been single. I’ve had a few dates here and there but nothing serious and I haven’t been on a date in a year! Hard to believe it’s actually been almost 5 years – so much has happened. Confession time – I’ve kind of stayed away from dating out of fear…. fear of still not being desirable, fear of choosing wrong again, fear of getting hurt, fear of change…. And the list continued.

Well, some of those fears were legit and some of them were just silly and so, I’ve decided to just face all those fears and at least open myself up to the idea of dating and hopefully finding love. I bit the bullet last week and created a profile on e-harmony. Who knows if I’ll find Mr. Right on there or not, but I’m opening myself up to the idea of at least being in a relationship. So let’s take apart my fears together and how I’ve changed my outlook slightly from when I dated in the past. You’ll notice throughout that the things I’ve done to pursue a healthy heart are the reason I can actually face my fears and why my outlooks have changed – so it is an important key to all this.

Let’s start with one of the most daunting ….the fear of not being desirable as a big woman (plus size, curvy, fat, whatever you wanna call it). In the past I was super insecure in my body and did not see myself as desirable at all. I would feel sick when I would see a guy checked me out online and didn’t send me a message – because you know, that meant I was ugly, fat, gross and not worthy of love – of course that was all in my head and a flat out lie – maybe I just wasn’t what he was looking for, or he could see my insecurity all over me. I also used to never, ever send a smile or a message or anything while online dating – I thought the guy had to be interested in me first. Well, that’s different now too, I have no problem sending the first communication because I know I am desirable, worthy of love and let’s be honest, I need to be interested in what this guy is about – I actually have a say, go figure. This is a totally new experience already because I took the time to learn to love me!

Ok so the fear in choosing wrong again – I mean come on, I’ve learned so much and I’ve learned how to close doors in relationships that are unhealthy – whether they are romantic or not. I’ve got this little thing called the gift of discernment that helps me navigate through life and help me discern if something is good or not. I mean I’m not perfect but my little internal scanner is much more calibrated now because of all the work I’ve put in on getting whole and healed from all the pain, torment and abuse. I also know better to listen to those around me as well because I have a tribe I trust and I know they have my best interest at heart. Last time there was not one person in my life who agreed with my relationship and I chose to ignore that – lesson learned. So the fear of choosing wrong again has been squashed.

The fear of being hurt has probably been my biggest fear and I’m still staring this one in the face. I actually don’t know what it’s like to be in a healthy relationship with a man and to be treated right. I now know what that should look like but I’ve never actually been in one. My ex-husband was my only relationship – yes really. I’ve been on dates here and there but not in relationships. The fear of being hurt brings other things up like – can I trust someone with my heart, is he going to hurt me, will he protect me, and the cherry on top – will he abandon me too? Well, I guess dating means I do open myself up to hurt, but if I don’t open myself up to the idea of love, I will never even have a chance at it. So, with that, I open myself up to the idea of love and I choose a chance at love over fear.

Now the last thing in my list was the fear of change. Let’s be real, I have an amazing life that I’m sooooo beyond grateful for but I’m also really ruled by my predicable and busy schedule which can kind of be an issue. I like to have a plan, I like to follow the same plan for my week, every week, I like order. But, adding love into my life means adding someone into my schedule without making them feel like I’ve added them to my schedule. It means not just making decisions for me, it means thinking of ‘us’ rather than just me. It means a lot of change in my life but…would I rather have my predictable schedule or would I rather come home to someone to talk to about our days, take on new adventures together with, change the world with and start a family with? Well, I think the decision is pretty clear.

So, I officially toss my fears aside and I dive into the idea of love! I have no idea where this road takes me but I’m looking forward to finding out!

These shirts you see me wearing really inspired this post. I never had any intention on opening up about this stuff – I never imagined I’d tell the world any of my thoughts actually …. but my hope is that if you are reading this and you have had some of the same fears – you can take the bull by the horns and face them too! I actually never realized I had a hard time seeing that I was desirable and being comfortable enough to say I was – and you are too!

So what is BAD all about?

“BAD started off as a poem that was well received and grew from there into something that we could have never imagined. Remember you are BAD and that’s way more than just a shirt on your back!  Outside sources will have you believing that you are not enough or that you’re “undesirable”, simply based on societal “standards”. BAD is all about embracing confidence and not allowing society to measure your sense of self-worth.To see others from all walks of life, in every size, from plus to petite “repping” BAD is heartwarming. All of these individuals have become a part of what we at BAD call “The Movement”. Be advised that BAD is so much more than just a shirt, it’s empowerment apparel. Thanks for being a part of the movement, with your BAD self!”

To get your shirts click HERE and follow them on Facebook HERE and here are the poems that go with the shirt line.Hair and Makeup were provided by Caravan Stylist Studios