As I sit down to write my first blog under my new site, I struggle on how to even start this blog and all of a sudden a song comes on the radio … one I’ve never heard before actually.  What stands out to me as ‘The Afters’ sing this beautiful song “Broken Hallelujah” is the line:

“Even though I don’t know what your plan is …. I know you’re making beauty from these ashes”

How true does that ring forth for my life?  And as I ponder the events of this week I am assured that God is faithful to His promises and has made beauty from my ashes – quite literally.  In Isaiah 61, God promises to give us a crown of Beauty for our Ashes.  This has been something I have held so dear to my heart.  My new license plates are BTY4ASHS, I’ve got it Tattooed on my shoulder…It’s something I have held onto on every day, especially those days that have been tough – those days where I just cried because my heart was so broken and my life was just a mess.

You know what though?  I’m thankful for those hard times (go figure right?).  I’m thankful for them because they have made me who I am today.  They have made me stronger, they have made me appreciate things so much more and they have softened my heart even more so and they have allowed me to give back and help other women in the same or similar dark places I used to be.

June 30th, 2014 was the second best day of my life -the first being the day I got to witness my amazing nephew Deacon take his first breath in this world.  It was the day of the Miss Plus Canada 2014 Pageant where I was crowned Miss Plus Canada 2014 Queen, and awarded People’s Choice and won the Talent award.  It was the culmination of a couple months of practice, colouring outside the lines, hard work, learning new things and building new relationships with some amazing women.  I suppose it would make sense to talk about how this even started…why did I even enter into the pageant?

I guess the back story goes back a really long ways.  As a kid I was always heavier than all the other girls.  I was bullied a lot as a kid for my weight.  I even remember one day coming home from school in Grade 5 and my mom noticed bruises on me because the guys had beat me up.  At my grade 8 grad one of my cousins came (he wasn’t overweight) and the next day at school one of the guys said to me something along the lines of, ‘Well your family isn’t fat so how come you are?”  I was so crushed!  I grew up thinking I wasn’t enough and that I would never measure up and I was put down so much so my lack of self-love started really young.  I also had a hard time accepting love from others, even as a baby.  My parents tell me that even as an infant I would push away anyone who tried to snuggle me – they could never figure out why.  It just got worse as I grew up and I tried to hustle to make people love and accept me but there was this part of me on the inside that just wanted to be beautiful.  I wanted to be a girly girl.  People would tell me, ‘you have a beautiful face’ (and I knew they were saying, you’re pretty but you’re fat which hurt so much).  I had a dream to model and be in things like pageants but I never thought it would actually happen.

The last several years have been rather difficult with my parents divorcing in my early 20’s, losing some loved ones and also being in an abusive marriage which ultimately ended in divorce.  A lot of healing was required the past few years but about a year ago when my heart was getting close to whole again, my mom challenged me to start dreaming again.  So I did what any normal person would do and I went and bought a big white board and started writing out all of my dreams.  One of those dreams was to do some plus size modeling – however I think I wrote it and erased it and re-wrote it 3 times because I thought it was such a pipe dream. 

That summer (2013) I went with a friend to a really neat event – The Fuller Woman Expo at Dundas Square.  I had never heard of it but was really excited to see what it was all about.  What I saw amazed me!  There were vendors in the plus size industry and there were fashion shows all day.  I am pretty sure that I had to pick my jaw up off the ground a few times because I was so amazed at #1 how gorgeous the women were who were modeling and #2 how confident they were!  Something that day sparked inside of me as I was on this journey to loving myself and healing from my past. 

A few short months later I had my first shot at doing anything close to modeling.  I was a part of the Body Positive Art Installation at My Big Sister’s Closet – shout outs to Fashion blogger and truly an inspirational woman, Karen Ward- http://curvy-canadian.com/.  That day changed my life!  This day was to celebrate the one year anniversary of her store being open and to promote the acceptance of our bodies – regardless of size.  We each held signs about accepting our bodies in the front window of the store and proudly stood there.  Signs like “Keep Calm and Love your curves”, “Curvy and Confident”, “Large and Luscious”, “Plus Size and Proud” and so on.

I met quite a few other fashion bloggers that day and my eyes were opened to the movement that is here in Toronto in the Plus Size Industry.  I also met the beautiful Ophilia who promotes the acceptance of women and their curves and that “It’s O.K. to be YOU” which is why she stared Ophilia’s Kurves (check her out: https://www.facebook.com/pages/Ophilias-Kurves ).  She had actually approached me and gave me her business card and said she’d be in touch and wanted me to audition for the Fuller Woman Expo for this summer. Ophilia has been such an inspiration and encouragement to me over the past several months and has been so helpful as I started to walk into a whole new world (I know you’ve got the song from Aladdin now stuck in your head). Thank you so much Ophilia for being so instrumental in this part of my journey – I will be forever grateful for all of it as well as your friendship.

From there I went with My Big Sister’s Closet to Audition for The Dragon’s Den.  As part of the audition they brought about 20 of us plus size women in the clothes from their store – it was so much fun and so empowering and I met even more amazing women in the industry.  I even wore an outfit totally outside what I’d actually wear – one that accentuated my curves even more.

Each of these experiences attributed to my growing confidence and my self-acceptance of who I was – inside and out.  The past couple of years I had really focused on healing the parts of my heart that were broken which is why when I received the email on April 30th asking if I was the next Miss Plus Canada Queen- I was open to it. 

After pondering if I wanted to do this I posted a pic of the email to my Instagram and Facebook and I was flooded with overwhelming support to go for it!  Within the next hour or so, I had filled out my application and applied to be a contestant and the next day I got the ‘accptance’.   No way! Was this really happening??  Even when the first meeting and rehearsal came I felt like – are they going to change their mind and turn me away – well they didn’t.  I did have a couple people in my life who were not very supportive of the idea but I just knew in my heart, this was an open door that I was to walk through and I’m so thankful I did.

Now here is where things get really cool.  The same day I was accepted, I received a message from someone – the beautiful Gloria Garvie.  See, she runs a program in Durham schools teaching girls (grades 7 and 8) their value, worth and beauty.  Well, her year-end party was the following week and she really felt that asking me to speak would be a good idea.  Here’s the thing … I don’t know Gloria all that well – she knew my parents back in the day and I have friends who know her really well but she doesn’t know my story but she really had it pressed on her heart to ask me to speak.  

So after telling me all about her program and what she was looking for in terms of speakers, I asked her, “Gloria, do you even know my story?”  She replied with ‘no’, obviously, so I gave her the nutshell version.  My journey to discovering my worth, value and beauty has been a long one but I’ve felt that I was meant to share it with young girls – and this was my first opportunity to share it with some beautiful girls!

It was such an amazing time and I couldn’t believe the response by the girls to what I had spoken about.  I was in awe at the doors God was opening.  To God be all the glory.  Something else really cool is that one of my very best friends, Natalie was there that day with me – it was so nice to have her by my side on this very special day! Check out my video page to see the video of me sharing my story with the girls – http://www.sarahtaylorsjourney.com/videos.html

Earlier in the week during my devotions I had asked God to show me tangibly that he loved me.  I mean, I know He loves me unconditionally but I was just feeling like I needed some extra love…So not only was I now going to be in this pageant, I was also asked to share my story of how I learned to love me but the next day I received a journal from a beautiful friend of mine.  It was called “The Beauty of the Lord”.  It’s a daily devotional journal, which I love because I was trying to figure out a devotional to do every day and journaling my days are so key.  

So not only was it a gift, it held so much significance and meaning … It again is about beauty and God has been trying to show me my beauty and that it’s not all about that reflection I see in the mirror.  The book itself was beautiful too – obmre actually, which I love.  The bookmark in it was on a devotional called, “ I Surrender” which was exactly what I did at the beginning of the week – surrendered my plans for God’s and submitted myself to him to allow Him to work in my life so that I could be his hands and feet here on earth.  

And then, when I opened the inside cover, I also saw my theme verse in all of this – “Be Still and know that I am God” – Psalm 46:10 – this is another one of ‘my’ verses. I just cried upon receiving this journal and I’m so enjoying it.  There have been some days where I’m blown away at the relevance it has in my own life, for that specific day which is really neat!

This is how this all started and the last couple of months have been so much fun!

How could they be anything but when you get to spend every Saturday with an amazing group of women that you’ve developed a friendship and sisterhood with? 

Word cannot describe how overwhelmed, overjoyed and flooded with love my heart feels this week.  The last couple of months of practice, hard work, preparation, and coloring outside my lines didn’t come close to preparing me for what happened on June 30th. If you told me 6 years ago that I would be celebrating Canada Day the way I did this year, I probably would have laughed at you.

For me, ‘winning’ this title wasn’t even about the night of the pageant – as amazing as it was.  It’s an opportunity and an open door to help other women who have struggled with similar things I have when it comes to my worth, value and beauty as a woman.  Being able to give back and be a voice of encouragement to those who need it.  The next year will be an exciting one without a doubt and I am forever grateful for all those who played a part in it. 

I would like to take the time to thank the following people:

First and foremost I want to thank my heavenly father for taking such good care of me, loving me, healing my heart and opening doors like this one.

I’d like to thank my mother for always being there for me, loving me unconditionally, not giving up on me even when I had given up on myself and for praying for me to become all that God created me to be.  Thank you for not only being my mom but for being my best friend. 

Thank you to my spiritual Mama – Marion Cozens (CEM of W.I.N.G.S. Maternity Home).  Thank you for believing in me, being excited for this opportunity and others and encouraging me to be my authentic self and keep pushing for full and total healing in all areas of my life. 

Thank you to the special WINGS mom’s who have embraced me with open arms and cheered me on and being one of my biggest inspirations for standing up tall to let women know that there is hope and that they are valuable and loved.  You ladies are so special to me and it’s been such an honor to watch you all grow into the beautiful destiny’s God has for you!

To all my friends, family and co-workers who supported me, voted for me every day and encouraged me over the years.  I have been so blessed with an amazing support system and I am forever grateful for you all!

Many thanks to my sponsors for the pageant:

·         WINGS Maternity Home who sponsored me in a variety of ways

·         Rebecca Northcott Photography who took my official photos the evening of the pageant

·         Karen Fawcett Shephard – independent Fifth Avenue Consultant who provided my jewelry the night of the pageant (she couldn’t attend because she got married to an amazing man that morning – I’m so happy for her and her new hubby Art).

·         JoJo Smith of JS Photography who did my photo shoot at W.I.N.G.S. Maternity Home for my platform video

For information on how to get in touch with these wonderful ladies check out my sponsors page:

http://www.sarahtaylorsjourney.com/sponsors.html

To all those who helped with hair, make-up, keeping us cool, patting us down and making us look beautiful on pageant night – thank you! 

To the beautiful ladies I have had the opportunity to meet and prepare alongside with for the pageant – you are all so special to me and really are all such gems!  I’m thankful for our friendship, sisterhood, memories and most importantly I look forward to our futures as we get to continue our journey together. Trisha, Sasha, Shannon, Tarah and Kaity I’ve enjoyed every minute with you … this is only the beginning!

To Miss Georgia Greenwood – THANK YOU doesn’t seem to quite cut it when it comes to you.  Your vision and dream to help women learn to love themselves, embrace all of who they are and encourage those around them to do the same is honestly so inspiring.  Because of the event/movement you started (The Fuller Woman Expo), something was sparked inside of me which has helped bring me to the confident woman I am today.  Hearing your story and why you decided to do all that you do left me awe struck!  You have pushed through many tough battles and I commend you for your hard work, countless hours and your compassionate heart.  You are such a beautiful woman and I’m so grateful for you.  You exude confidence and love and you have helped each of us through this process become more confident in who we are. 

Thank you to all those who attended, cheered for us ladies, supported us and been there for us.  

Last year I asked God to redeem Canada Day for me – it was a the day that a lot of my heartache started 7 years ago … well I’d say God was faithful and redeemed that day for me beyond my wildest dreams.  

I am excited for the upcoming year and all that it holds and I know that the best is yet to come …