5 years ago I never thought I’d ever have to enter the dating world again but here I am, healed from my divorce and have dipped my toe in the dating ‘pool’ yet again. I thought things were bad before, never did I imagine they’d be even worse now!
Now, given that I made a really poor selection in the person I decided to marry 5 years ago, I am really all about not doing that again. And instead – I think, no, I know, my bar has been raised to a much higher standard. Now, some people think that is really abrasive and that I’m bitter and that I’m gonna I don’t know, make my man pay for what the past did to me. Well, HELLLLL No, that’s not true – that’s why I’ve invested the time into healing. I’ve said that I don’t want to leave any stone un-turned when it comes with dealing with things – I don’t want anything to re-surface down the road.
You see, when I got married 5 years ago I was in a really bad place. My parent’s split (that rocked my world) was still pretty fresh and I was still hurting and angry. I also didn’t love me. I would actually venture to say I hated myself. I think when we are in a bad place we make poor choices for our lives – it’s almost like we settle on what we think we deserve. He was the first man I recall telling me I was beautiful and it was like everything else after that didn’t matter. It didn’t matter that while we were dating I would find him on Plenty of Fish and other dating sites trying to hook up with other women constantly…or that every time I went out with my friends or for a girls cottage weekend I’d find out he went out with some ‘old female friend’ or how about the time I was in Calgary for a week when my brother in law passed away and he hooked up with an ex-girlfriend… it didn’t’ matter that he didn’t want to be around his or my friends or family but wanted to just be the 2 of us allll the time and EVERYDAY. Or that he was really controlling, that he didn’t have a job, that he didn’t have a car, or that he told me the day he met me that he thought I was the one and that he’d marry me and wanted to make ‘us’ official that night. Well I guess he was right cause he did marry me but I think I should have gone running the other direction and not into the arms of my abuser. Before we had even been dating 1 month he had given me a portfolio – in this portfolio was our entire wedding planned – down to an ebony and ivory cake. His loving words that lured me in turned into pure hate for who I was. He hated my zest for life and sucked it all out of me to where I become someone not only my friends and family didn’t recognize, but someone I didn’t recognize.
See, back then, I really just wanted a man to love me. I wanted to be married and have my own children. I would have done anything to be loved – and I did. I lost all of who I was to this man. I thought that life’s goal was to make a man fall in love with you, to be in love, to live the fairy tale happy ending and that having a man would make me happy and complete me. Well, turns out that theology isn’t so sound and in fact it almost killed me emotionally, spiritually and physically. I say almost because one day, I saw the light and realized 1 week before our 2 year wedding anniversary that the way things were goin down was not ok and that I deserved more.
I’ve spent the last almost 3 ½ years rebuilding my foundation. I often tell the girls I mentor that healing is like an onion…you peel back things layer by layer and deal with them as they come. I’m sure I still have areas that need to be healed but I’m proud to say I’ve overcome (with the help of my heavenly Father) and I’ve healed, matured and grown in ways I never imagined. I’m living life anew, with new doors opened and bigger dreams planted in my heart. I never imagined that I would be where I am today!
Now, it’s pretty sad to say that I actually don’t know what it’s like to date a great guy. Dating guys like my ex-husband is really all I knew so it’s not surprising I ended up with one like him. Most of the guys I’ve dated have been pretty douchey (I realize that’s not a word, but you get it, I know). I used to think that you just needed to get a guy’s attention and that you had to hustle to keep it and that was, well, normal, Well it’s not. I’m not saying that healthy relationships aren’t work or that you get to relax after you are with someone but if you lose all of who you are to be with someone, that someone is likely not the one for you.
The difference now, is my BS detector is much better and I don’t put up with the shenanigans anymore. Guys always had some back story about why he was out of work, why he had so many inappropriate female friends, wanted sex (and that’s it) like yesterday, wants to have his cake and eat it too by being with me but not committing, and the list goes on. I have not dated a guy – ever- that treated me the way that a woman is supposed to be treated. A girlfriend of mine actually talks about how she is excited to testify at my wedding what I’ve been through when it comes to shady men knowing right well that I will be waiting for the right one this time around and how beautiful of a moment that will be.
Truth be told…I was 21 before I had my first kiss. Because I was always ‘the bigger girl’ I was automatically put into the ‘friend zone’ and just became one of the guys. It was an easy escape rather than facing the things I needed to deal with on the inside.
So now that we’ve talked about where I’ve come from and my experience…let’s jump forward to present day…
So I keep trying to give online dating a shot…My criteria for a significant other is further narrowed when you add that I’m looking for a guy who’s faith is as significant in his life as mine and then on top of it, add that I’m almost 6 feet tall…yup, the dating pool just got substantially smaller.
Now I’ve tried to keep an open mind, to put my guard down and really embrace this whole online dating thing. Well last week I decided to throw in the towel after a significant effort on a few different sites….within about 10 minutes of putting up my profile up on a new one, my phone just buzzed non stop for hour on end. I thought ok well that’s neat… I also thought, well this is new, cause in the past this is not how things were…. Well then I started to read some of the messages I saw there in utter shock. I contemplated including the screen shots in this blog but they were just so inappropriate that I can’t even do it! From one guy who opened with…”would you be interested in…and proceeded to in detail tell me what he’d like to do to me in the bedroom to me” – a full out fantasy – what kind of girl actually responds to this stuff? Like does it ever work for him???? I need to talk to her if it does…
The messages ranged from that to ‘ Hey sexy, I wanna get with you, you down?” to “let’s smoke a spliff together and see where it goes”…like come on!!! Is that all that this dating world is coming to? Let’s just hook up so I’m not alone, so I have a warm body in my bed? Why not deal with those issues rather than covering up with having a rotation of women or men in your bed? Because really, nothing is going to ever change if you just keep cycling through women (or men) just to keep you company temporarily.
If I sound frustrated and annoyed and maybe a little heated – it’s cause I am. I work with so many young women who have been in this cycle with men for so long and it’s such a road to recovery getting out of it and getting on the path to healing and restoration. Women too can be just as much in the same position as some of these men are too – it goes both ways really. There is just so much more to life than that …
Then, there are the guys who are in your life, they lead you on, they make you think they are interested but they don’t make you theirs. Ladies…if a guy wants to be with you, he will make sure he makes that clear and will do what it takes to be with you. You should never have to beg, plead or convince a man to be with you.
I saw a post on Facebook yesterday (posted by a man) that said…
“Ladies, if a man tells you “I’m not really looking for anything serious”, 95.3% of the time what he’s really saying is, “I’m not really looking for anything serious WITH YOU.” Once a man determines you’re not worth being in a relationship with, there’s damn near NO CHANCE he’s gonna “see the light” and try to make you his woman. So next time you hear that, save yourself some time, heartache and an unnecessary migraine and bounce.”
He is on point ladies!!
What ever happened to great guys and healthy relationships that don’t just start with ‘hooking up’? I read a book this summer by Mandy Hale called The Single Woman and she shares her story throughout the book but what she really drives home is why do you have to wait for that happy, fairy tale ending that includes a man….why not enjoy your life now. Live it to the fullest and he when a great guy comes along, give him a shot but it shouldn’t be our focus in life. I know that it was for me for far too many years.
Now let’s get one thing straight. My heart’s desire is to be married to a wonderful, Godly man who will be my best friend and the father of my children. I am not bitter and saying let’s be single and let’s draw together for Girl Power! But at the same time, if I’m going to sit at home and be sad that I’m still single and not enjoy my fabulous life, don’t you think I’d be wasting a lot of time? One day – I will meet that man (hopefully anyways lol) and we will have a great life. But today, I choose to love me, love the life I have, the opportunities I have and continue to live life full of zest because let’s be honest….I’ve come through the valley of despair, hopelessness, pain and darkness and into fullness of life.
I had planned on this post being a little bit more of a rant about how crummy the dating world is but it’s turned out different than I had set out and that’s all good. I hope this post speaks to you. Whether you’re in a crummy relationship now and trying to figure out how much longer you can live like this or if this is normal or if you are single and your trying to figure out how to be happy without a man. Let me tell ya – you can be. Your day will come, but for now, hang on and enjoy the ride!
Stay tuned next week for a blog post featuring one of my girls, singer and song writer Elizabeth Chada. She just dropped her new single titled ‘Crave’ yesterday and it will be part 2 of this blog cause we all know being single doesn’t take the cravings completely away…
Usually I have pics of some amazing adventure that I’m blogging about, today I don’t but I thought I’d include some recent, random pics below – enjoy! Also, if you’re in the Toronto area and looking for a great night, come check out the Get your sexy on Show @ The Uptown Loft May 3rd. Tickets are only $25 online (they will be more expensive at the door) – click HERE to get yours today – the first 3 pics below are from our runway workshop with the amazing Stacey Mackenzie at the model call!
Stay Beautiful!
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